can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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