did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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