Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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