This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
