i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
