I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There r osticjed everywhere
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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