She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
wow bdsm is so cute
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize