Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
