My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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