Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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