dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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