You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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