I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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