she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
