I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
