I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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