dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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