Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
