would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
