real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
