i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
