my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
