im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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