he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
