nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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