i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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