im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Someone came in the potted fern
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
