Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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