If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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