First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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