I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
