I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
