oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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