in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
