Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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