You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
