Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
