have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
