Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
