I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
