So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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