How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he fucked my hip out of place.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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