As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
