i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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