Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
