WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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