Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize