Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
