I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
