I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
