I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
