It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
