I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
