no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
