I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
