Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
