you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize