dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize